Well, we’ve met our hamsters via their pictures and bios. And perhaps you’ve read Season Eight’s Jen take on the contestants on msn.com. I’m still reeling that Jen described Keesha as “stupid” and “awful”. Jen said that! Jen! Anyway, I guess now it’s time for the season to begin in earnest, and for that, we turn to the Chenbot.
Julie assures us that for the first time since Season Three, everybody in the house is a complete stranger. We get the quick tour of the house, which has more earth tones this year. The kitchen is decorated as a diner, and I didn’t notice any pets. There doesn’t seem to be a dominant decorating theme like in past seasons.
We see a montage of everybody being surprised to find out they’ve been selected for Big Brother, and then giving us an awful pun related to their job. I don’t know who they think they’re fooling – I bet they knew they were going on the show when the camera crew showed up.
It’s notable that we see April at work, or “work”, and in an office environment she’s displaying more cleavage than I’ve ever seen on the job, except for that summer I was a bouncer at a strip club. (NOTE: I was never a bouncer at a strip club.) We already recapped them, so I’m not going to reintroduce everybody. Except to say that April’s job pun is “I know how to handle men”. And it’s the way she emphasized “handle” that makes me wonder what her job actually is.
Oh, and Dan packs a flag, and says that we “wouldn’t have a flag to wave in the air if liberals were in power during this time of war”. I don’t even know where to begin with that guy. Also, Renny has a jazz quartet following her, because she’s determined to be as stereotypical as possible. She’s got herself a raspy voice, too. I’m talking real-life Dr. Girlfriend, here. Angie refers to herself as “the Asian Sensation”, which is my friend Job’s karaoke name, so she’d better cut that out.
I could make fun of these people all day, but we’ll never get past the introductions. So let’s jump ahead to the assembled group in front of the house. Julie announces that they’re going to vote for the first Head of Household right now, before they even speak to one another. Each person casts a vote based just on looking around at the others. Like how they used to have Presidential elections.
After voting, they move in. First group is Renny, Angie, Jessie, Dan, and April. We see that the bedrooms are Pink, Hippie, and Scary. (What about America, Irrigation, and Nighttime?) In April’s first Diary Room, her eyes scare me. She looks kind of like a fish. In fact, she reminds me of Abe Sapien, the fish guy from the Hellboy movies. April Sapien!
Libra, Brian, Keesha, and Memphis are next. They do nothing interesting. Finally Steven, Michelle, Ollie, and Jerry get to move in. Jerry’s so happy to be there. Renny walks around in hippie sunglasses, because that’s hilarious? I guess?
Everybody introduces themselves, and people agree that Jerry is awesome. Keesha is clearly being played by Kristen Wiig in this scene, by the way. She tells everybody that she’s from Ohio and works at Hooters. Those are the two facts she can think of. Libra tells everybody about her mixed-race twins. Michelle is Portuguese, so she’s crazy. I don’t know.
Steven elects not to tell people about the gay rodeo, because he wants them to get to know his as Steve, rather than Steve the Gay Bullrider. Renny mentions New Orleans one hundred times. Dan is stupid and boring, and explains to us that he can fix everything with confession. Jessie is also stupid, and tells everybody he’s a bodybuilder, and nobody cares. Memphis explains the difference between a bartender and a “mixologist”. I don’t care. April closes her speech by announcing that her boobs are real. She invites people to feel them, including Jerry, who sort of does. Renny seems offended, but it was barely a graze, and really, it’s kind of rude not to in that situation.
It’s time for the first prize competition! They need to form two teams, and one person has to sit out. Jessie immediately volunteers, because he is a bodybuilder. Yep, that’s his logic. Everybody is shocked and thinks less of Jessie, which is stupid. There are so many valid reasons to think less of Jessie!
Out in the backyard, there are two upside-down Volkswagens, and two classic cars in the more familiar right-side-up position. The winner of the competition gets one of the cars, and now Jessie is sad, because he loves the car. Memphis claims that sitting out the competition is “one of the dumbest things anybody has done in Big Brother history”, proving that he has clearly never seen an episode of the show.
Basically, they have to get the whole team into an upside down car and pull themselves along with a rope. After every lap, one person has to leave the car. So really, you’re counting on ten people to give up in order to make the competition work. Also, the winning team gets food for the week, losers get slop.
This is hard to recap because it’s both visual and repetitive. In the end, with their team in the lead, Steven and Memphis rock-paper-scissors for the car. Steven gives up, and Memphis wins the car. Steven, Memphis, Angie, Renny, Dan, and Michelle get food for the week, as does Jessie. April is afraid that Jerry will die if he eats slop for a week, clearly forgetting that he fought in Korea.
Back from the break, Julie announces that Jerry is the first Head of Household! Yay, Jerry! Brian immediately decides that he will decide who Jerry’s going to nominate and that Dan and Ollie would make a swell alliance. By the way, I think Brian might actually be Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Jerry’s Head of Household bedroom boasts some Marines related decorations, and some very old photographs. Jerry’s so happy he can hardly stand it.
The conflict of Act Three is set up by Jessie announcing that he’s tired. At night, Rennie starts talking really loud. I mean, obnoxiously loud. She’s shocked that the doors are locked, which I assumed meant that there are members of the production staff doing maintenance in the house, but she can’t stop talking about it. It turns out that I am wrong when Steven is able to open the door with ease. Then Renny has to talk about that. Jessie’s in the other bedroom, and her voice is keeping him awake.
Jessie gets pissy and heads outside to sulk. Then he freaks out on Renny. Dude, do you have a plane to catch in the morning? A late night isn’t going to kill you. That said, Renny is incredibly irritating.
In the morning, Renny’s putting on a wig. Because she’s not desperately quirky enough to begin with. Brian and Dan agree that Jessie and Renny should be nominated. Jerry and Brian talk about the military, and Jerry references Richard Nixon with affection. Well, he is the most hilarious President. All of a sudden, Jerry and Brian are working out hand signals. Man, Jerry warms up to people in a hurry. Jerry wants to nominate Memphis and Dan, but Brian vetoes that. Brian uses his mental powers to make Jerry turn on Renny and Jessie.
Time for nominations! It’s the usual thing where Jerry looks at pictures, and everybody makes statements that may prove to be ironic. Jessie is worried that he’ll be nominated because he’s a bodybuilder. Mostly, he just wanted to mention his physique. Again. This leads to the standard nomination ceremony. It’s too early to have all kinds of internal politics based around the order of the keys, so the important thing is that Jessie and Renny are nominated. Jerry cites the previous night’s disturbance as the deciding factor, which sounds better than “Brian told me to.” Actually, that’s not a bad reason. You don’t want to alienate anybody this early, and if you can get rid of a troublemaker, that’s great. At some point, you have to balance getting rid of the threats against getting rid of people who make life unbearable.
The second episode leads off with the announcer telling us that a betrayal will “turn the house upside down”. Dude, I don’t even know their names yet – I probably won’t even spot the betrayal, unless you play creepy music.
There are a lot of hugs after the nomination ceremony. I don’t think I’d be good on this show, because I just don’t hug that much. Renny doesn’t remember what the conflict was over the previous night, and Jessie is still angry. Renny explains the concept of a punk to us at great length. We get it.
Everybody in the house is talking about Renny being loud. Jerry invokes King Solomon and the story where he solves a dispute by threatening to cut a baby in half. That would be the worst Food Challenge ever. Seven minutes into the episode, Jessie and Renny are still fighting about WakeUpGate. I’ve concluded that they’re both simple, and Renny’s voice makes me want to kill myself.
Jerry invites everybody to the HoH room to drink wine, because Jerry is awesome. I’m sure this would be a fun time, except that Jessie and Renny are STILL TALKING about how she woke him up. The argument turns into whether or not Renny apologized. Flashback footage shows that she did, but it was in a whiny and sarcastic way, and also nobody pays attention to anything Renny says.
Now Brian tells us about how he’s running the game, and starts talking alliances with Ollie and Michelle (together), Angie, Steven, and Memphis (separately). He’s cutting deals with everybody and guaranteeing them safety, and he wants to be Dr. Will so badly he can taste it! Did you know Brian is in control of the game? Give him a second, and he’ll tell you all about it. I like that he says there’s no opposition. This is because his alliance consists of eight of the thirteen people in the house.
In a room full of hamsters, April Sapien tells the others she’s so shy that she gets dressed in the closet. Yes, “shy” is exactly the word I’m looking for, Miss “My boobs are real. Feel them!”. She tells us she has a “connection” with Ollie. That should go well. People in Ollie’s church are freaking out right now.
In the Veto competition, Jerry and the nominees draw names. They pick Memphis (helpfully wearing a shirt that says his name), Michelle, and April. Jerry chooses Angie as the host, and then they put on pajamas.
So, there’s a giant bed in the backyard, covered with pillows. Basically, they have to tear open the pillows that match their colored pajamas to find a veto bear. Then, they swim through honey (!) to a set of jars, in which they place bears. Find five bears, and you get the veto. Angie’s voiceover is totally dubbed, by the way. It’s like I’m still recapping Celebrity Apprentice.
Right off, they’re swimming through honey. April, in particular, is going to be on fetish sites before you read this. Renny has a hard time getting out of the honey. Memphis claims he has “literally seventy-five pounds” of honey on him, which doesn’t seem right. Eventually, they’re covered with honey and feathers, and I’m not even sure what’s going on anymore. This is just too weird. Michelle and Jessie take the lead, a fact which seems to make Angie mad.
Jessie finds Bear #5 and wins the veto. Everybody freaks out. Weirdly, Rennie says that she “wanted to get a bear… for my children… in America.” It will not surprise you to hear that Brian thinks he can get Jerry to nominate the person he wants. In fact, Brian already starts floating the idea that Memphis is a threat. Sadly, Jerry buys right into it.
In the Hippie Room, Ollie assures Libra, April, and Keesha that they will not be nominated. Libra and Keesha are just happy to have camera time. Brian comes in and assures them that Memphis is gone. As soon as the boys leave, Libra says Brian is trying to be Dr. Will. Where have I heard that before?
Angie, Michelle, and Keesha all hide in… a glass-walled sauna? Did they always have that? They talk about Brian as a threat. Then Libra tells April that Ollie is in an alliance, and there’s flashback footage of things we saw since the last commercial break. Always takes those Big Brother editors some time to find their footing… Somehow, this means that April has to confront Ollie. She and Libra ask him about his alliance, and this turns into April being angry that she has a crush on Ollie and looks stupid. Come on, April, I’ve given you a nickname already. Don’t make me switch to Natalie 2.0! Regardless, it takes very little effort on their part to turn Ollie against Brian.
Ollie tells Memphis that Jerry’s going to put him up. You know what will never get old? In Memphis’ diary room, his profession is given as “Mixologist” – with quotes. Even the editors think he’s full of crap! Memphis tells Jessie what Brian is up to. This entire episode is a game of Telephone.
Libra, Keesha, and Ollie decide to tell Jerry what’s going on and convince him to nominate Brian. They think the best thing to do is get everybody except Brian up to the HoH room, which is a great plan. Brian’s totally not going to notice everybody else gathering together in the same room.
The plan is complicated by the fact that Jerry is sitting with Brian, so Keesha separates him by asking to use his bathroom, which apparently means that Jerry has to go up with her. Is the HoH room using retinal scans now? And why wouldn’t she just use the regular bathroom? These are the questions Brian should be asking.
Sure enough, Jerry heads up there, and everybody but Brian, Dan, and Renny are waiting for him. (I think those are the only ones missing. There are too many brown-haired guys on this show.) Jerry is not convinced by their logic. Of course, their approach is: “We think Brian is scheming. To deal with this, we’ve developed a scheme.”
As they wait for the Veto ceremony, Jerry explains that he’s not wearing anything military-related, because he’s going to go back on his word, and he doesn’t want to embarrass the military. Aww. I seriously want to hug Jerry. Brian smugs away in the Diary Room, explaining once again that he’s controlling the game. Wow, I’m actually starting to miss Jessie and Renny arguing.
Unsurprisingly, Jessie uses the veto on himself. (Has anybody besides Marcellas ever not vetoed themselves?) Wow, Angie appears to be crying. Jerry gives his speech, and without naming any names, spelled out everything that happened in the episode. Just wait until we get Jerry as a guest recapper. And then, it’s official. Jerry nominates Brian. Brian takes it pretty well, but Dan looks like somebody just suggested benefits for same sex couples.
In the last Diary Room segment, Brian expresses admiration for the coup, and reminds us he’s still got some tricks up his sleeve. One of those tricks is being nominated alongside somebody who’s incredibly irritating, I bet…
Join Myndi tomorrow to find out who’s evicted on the LIIIIIIIIVE show. Oh, wait. That’s Bergeron’s thing. This
is Big Brother, where we’re guaranteed at least one major technical glitch. See you tomorrow!
