Big Brother 11: Nominations and Veto, Week 2
Jessie compares winning HoH to being “dubbed Darth Ronnie” by Emperor Palpatine.That was a wholly unnecessary Star Wars reference, and since it relates to the prequels, I am compelled to ignore it completely.Jessie tells us how happy he is that Ronnie won, because Ronnie is a spineless toady.He doesn’t say it that way, but we know what he’s getting at.In the Diary Room, special guest Snidely Whiplash tells us that Ronnie is sneaky and untrustworthy….Oh, my mistake.That was actually Laura in the Diary Room.Guess the mustache threw me.Casey also suspects Ronnie.
With the group chilling out, Chima wonders who voted her out.Michele decides to be honest and admits to being one of the votes.Chima loses it and there is much wild gesticulation before she storms out.Well, props to Michele.She could have ducked under the radar and just been a weasel.Speaking of weasel, Ronnie asks Jeff who he thinks flipped on Braden.Dude, you’re not a mastermind.Don’t keep bringing it up.When Ronnie leaves the room, Laura suggests to Jordan, Jeff, and Michele that Ronnie’s the one they can’t trust.I’m kind of impressed that she worked that one out, you know?Ronnie comes back into the crazy swimming pool bedroom, and he looks so hilariously guilty.That guy does not have a poker face.He tries to convince everybody that it was Michele, you know, right after she actually admitted to Chima that she voted against her.Strategic mastermind…
Hanging out with the athletes, Ronnie tells them how mad Jeff is.Well, Jeff didn’t really seem mad at all, but there you go.He tells Jessie and friends how awesome he is.You know what’s even worse than Jessie?Somebody who’s that desperate for Jessie to like them.In the Diary Room, Ronnie has crazy murderer eyes.He is not doing any favors for nerds at this point.
In the kitchen, Laura whips up support for her “Ronnie is evil” theory.She’s mostly right, except for the part where she claims that everybody in America thinks Ronnie “is a damn genius”.I assure you, nobody thinks that.Meanwhile, Ronnie keeps sucking up to Chima and the Athletes (except for Jeff).
Who wants to see Ronnie’s HoH room?There are pictures of him looking nerdy at various ages, and a picture of his wife and their cat, both wearing Santa hats.That cat will get revenge… someday…So, you know how the HoH always gets a CD in their gift basket?It doesn’t usually get referenced, because it doesn’t matter, but Ronnie’s CD, presumably the music he most wanted, is the soundtrack for Legally Blonde:The Musical.I am not making this up.Cut to Jeff and Jordan trying desperately to hide their derision and failing hilariously.Seriously, though.That’s just ridiculous.He also freaks out over a “Giant Bubble Wand”.Yeah, it’s official.Ronnie is a weird dude.
Out in the yard, Ronnie tries to get the people who voted against Chima to like him.And this is amazing, because Casey calls him out on being full of crap.Casey! I will guarantee you, Casey has at some point spent at least an hour trying to extricate his own hand from a pickle jar.And he’s the guy who calls out Ronnie.He still tries to convince the five people who voted Chima out that his vote, plus theirs, still equals five.Ronnie tries to convince everybody that Casey’s the rat, with this hilarious logic.“You’re saying ‘one of you is a liar’, not ‘one of us is a liar’.”Even Casey thinks this is stupid.“Well, I know it’s not me!”Ha!Ronnie’s morally indignant that somebody suspects him of lying, which just makes him look worse.
Oh, cripes.You know how, every year, there’s an episode which spends a lot of time plugging a new movie release from one of Viacom’s corporate partners?Well, we’re getting it early this year, as the next hunk of the episode is devoted to people competing for the chance to see The Ugly Truth.I get that this is all a business, and product placement is a way of life, but this is so boring and uncreative that I really don’t have the energy to recap it.I don’t wish to encourage them.Suffice it to say that it involves a competition where the houseguests answer stupid questions about the houseguests of the opposite sex.Hey ladies, would Kevin rather write a love poem or a limerick?Do you care?No, no you don’t.
It’s not even late enough in the season where they’re so starved for entertainment that they’ll appreciate a stupid movie.Instead, they seem vaguely tolerant.Anyway, the competition is stupid and insulting, except for the fact that BB10 winner Dan hosts, which irritates the hell out of his former housemate Jessie.Basically, the guy with the most point and the girl with the most points each get to see the movie.At least the competition involves stupid costumes, some of which are kind of funny.Casey wins the men’s competition, for what that’s worth.
When it comes to the women’s competition, we learn that Jessie is an ass man.Which, if you’ve seen those “modeling” pictures of his making the rounds on the Web, will not surprise you.Also, Ronnie wears a non-copyright infringing version of Princess Leia’s gold slave bikini, and nothing short of death will wipe that image from your brain.(Also, that’s pretty played out as the go-to fantasy for nerds.Get more creative!)Michele, Chima, and Natalie are tied at the end, so they go to a stupid tie-breaker.Seriously, the question is:How many minutes would it take Dan to go in for the first kiss?So basically, the question is actually, “Can you name a number?”Especially when the “correct” answer turns out to be 243.What the hell, Big Brother?Anyway, Chima wins, which means that it’s Chima and Casey at the movie, which is the only thing that could make The Ugly Truth less appealing to me.
Oh, also the two of them get to pick the “Have-Nots” for the week.Casey wants the athletes, but Chima insists on going after the populars.Ronnie is upset that Chima’s “not making friends”.Huh, if only there was a way you could have voted her out…And also, would he rather she go after the athletes?That’s where all his man-crushes lie!
There’s a fairly funny bit where everybody makes fun of Jeff’s Chicago accent and the way he pronounces “bully” as “bowly”.Accent confusion is always hilarious, and also, this all comes about because he wants to know the name of the bully on Diff’rent Strokes.Yet another situation where the show would be improved by having Myndi as one of the houseguests…
Nomination day!Deadwood-era Timothy Olyphant appears in the Diary Room to remind us that Ronnie can’t be trusted, and the nominations are up in the air.Oh, my mistake.That’s just Laura again.The people who think Ronnie might be on their team try to convince him to nominate Russell, but Ronnie wants to backdoor him.In fact, Ronnie wants to put up two pawns!Which, you know, is genius.First off, the backdoor is not nearly as effective now that three of the Veto competitors are decided randomly.There’s a chance Russell could end up in the competition.Second, he doesn’t have the votes even if he does get Russell up.If he’s intent on this backdoor strategy, he needs to put up people like Lydia and Natalie, who would probably vote to keep Russell.Since the nominees don’t vote, he has to make sure to take a pro-Russell voter (or at least an undecided) out of the equation.How in God’s name did this guy get into the “Brains” clique?Is there a “Paste-Eaters” clique where Ronnie and Ralph Wiggum can hang out?And this is not exactly a think-tank up in the HoH room, but even they’ve got it figured out.And yet, Ronnie can’t be dissuaded.
He immediately heads to the Athletes and asks if it’s OK to put Russell up.Surprisingly, Jessie and Natalie don’t support this plan.Also, Russell doesn’t seem to like it. Wow, Ronnie is absolutely terrible at this.
Sure enough, our boy Ronnie makes the idiot move of nominating Jeff and Laura.He tells us that his goal is to backdoor Russell, but he’s doing it in such a way as to make that very difficult.Also, if Jeff goes home this early, this is going to be a very long season.He’s the only funny one on the show right now!Also, he sort of looks like my friend Bruce, which means I get to pretend that I know somebody on a reality show.
By the way, this is actually the first time in two seasons that Jessie got his key from the nomination spinner – up until he was eliminated last season, he was HoH or a nominee every time.Interesting trivia fact!That’s really just distracting us from the fact that Ronnie is an idiot.
TUESDAY
Previously on Big Brother:See above.
Ronnie leads off by telling us that he wants to get Laura evicted.Which is not what he said his goal was at the end of the last episode.Man, Ronnie’s real-life continuity is sloppy.Laura cries to Jordan about how she’s “the only one smart enough to beat him”, before adding “no offense to you”.You know, Ronnie’s not exactly Lex Luthor.I have a parakeet who could probably outwit him if crackers were on the line.Jordan tries not to cry.
Jeff congratulates Ronnie on how he “played me”, and Ronnie denies “playing” Jeff while trying to hug him, and it is the gayest hug you will ever see.Jeff calls him a “little bastard”, and Ronnie tries to explain his plan, although he’s handicapped by the fact that his plan is stupid.Next, Ronnie heads out to see Laura and Casey to explain that this is all part of his plan and that she could very well stay.You know what’s really getting on my nerves about Ronnie?He’s not very bright, but he assumes that he’s smarter than everybody else.If you point out basic flaws in his math or logic, he gets all patronizing because you clearly just don’t get it.
In the Diary Room, Earl Hickey tells us that “everything Ronnie has said to me in this game is a lie”… oh, wait.That’s just Laura.How do I keep making that mistake?Jordan, Casey, and Jordan talk about how dumb Ronnie is, and this is one of the very few situations where those three could be considered a think tank.
Russell decides to head outside and keep an “open line of communication” with Casey, Jordan, Laura, and Jeff.He brings out drinks ad tries to be friendly, and says he wants to talk about something beside the game.They notice Ronnie staring creepily at the Memory Wall, and they seem less disconcerted then they should be.Russell returns to the house and butts in on Natalie and Michele’s conversation.Strangely, Lydia takes this as a personal insult even though she’s nowhere near those two and is instead clustered with Kevin, Jessie, and Chima.Seriously, she’s yelling at him from the other room.But Russell freaks out on her.All of a sudden, I don’t want Russell to leave, because I can’t take a second week of Lydia being smug that the person who yelled at her got evicted.
Russell leaves, but Lydia can’t let anything go ever so she goes to the Diary Room to have a good cry.Because people in another room talked to one another and somehow, that affects Lydia in some way.I can’t even map that out.I honestly have no idea why this means anything to Lydia.I seriously don’t get her at all.
Anyway, Jessie and Natalie talk about getting rid of Russell.Jessie’s not in favor, but Natalie wants him gone.I do, too, but this wasn’t the tipping point.Lydia yelled at him for no reason, and he yelled back.I don’t believe in cutting Russell any slack, but he didn’t do anything here.
Lydia takes her self-pity roadshow to Ronnie and says that Russell “attacked” her.She wants to backdoor him, and it turns out that the quickest way to make me like somebody is for Lydia to dislike them.
Jeff and Jordan talk about how Jordan can’t tell time.She doesn’t know what it means if somebody says it’s “quarter to…” an hour, so she has to keep asking people until somebody puts the answer in terms she understands.Wow.Keep in mind, this woman has already figured out that Ronnie’s full of it.Jeff tries to educate her, and begins with the simple “How many quarters are in an hour?”Jordan’s answer:“Twenty… five?”Then when she gets the number of quarters down to four, he asks how long each quarter is.“Twenty-five.”Oh, my dear Lord.Then she divides sixty by four and gets, you guessed it, twenty-five.Finally Jeff gets her to fifteen, and asks her one again how many quarters are in an hour, and now the answer is “forty-five”.Ha!How this girl isn’t a ward of the state, I’ll never know.
Hey, it’s time for Chima and Casey to go see The Ugly Truth.Damn, who knew this storyline was going to be a two-parter.So now, we get scenes of them watching the movie.Hey!Vicki Lewis of Newsradio is in one of the clips!That’s not getting me to the theatre or anything, but she’s hilarious, so good for her.There’s a quick scene of Jordan and Jeff wishing they were watching the movie, which seems to exist only to show us that Jordan has a crazy-ass bathing suit.
Veto Competition!Ronnie draws Russell’s name, so that’s pretty much that.Laura draws Natalie, and Jeff gets Casey.Huh.That backdoor is getting more and more remote.Oh, also Russell is still referring to himself as “The Shotgun”.Great.
No kidding around, this challenge is brought to you by Coinstar.Seriously!There are giant piles of change in different denominations.In each round, they have two minutes to gather up a certain dollar amount of change.The farthest from the target amount will be eliminated.The winner of the round can stay in the game, or pick one of three money bags.(One contains $5,000, one contains a slop pass, and one is empty.)It they take a bag, they are also eliminated.At least this is kind of a clever challenge, and they’re not just answering trivia questions about one another.
First round, they need $100 in quarters.Everybody talks about their strategies, and Casey explains the rules to us again.Man, it’s like I’m recapping Celebrity Apprentice all over again.Natalie collects $560 in quarters, which is just ridiculous.But then Ronnie collected more than $600, so either he threw the competition, or he’s stupid.Or both.Anyway, Jeff wins the first round, only $12.50 off, which is really good, and Ronnie is out.Unsurprisingly, Jeff doesn’t take one of the money bags.Good call.
Next round, $75 in dimes.Laura is $269 off, and Jeff was less than $6 off.Jeff wins again, Laura’s out.Casey calls Jeff “Rain Man”, which is the first time Casey has ever made me laugh.Once again, no moneybag for Jeff.
For the third round, it’s $40 in nickels.Casey is $21.40 off and is eliminated.Natalie beats Jeff by about $1.50, and elects to take a moneybag.For this, she wins, the Slop Pass.Now it’s Jeff and Russell, which is so perfect it’s almost scripted.
In the final round, they have to collect $10 in pennies.You guys, this is actually kind of exciting!Jeff is running the numbers right up to the last second.Russell delivered $8.59 in pennies, which is really close.But our boy Jeff brought in $10.97!Yay!Man, he was really close on all of them.Could Jeff be less dim than we thought?Heck, just by being good at something, he’s already got 2/3 of the house beat.
Ronnie tells Kevin, Chima, and Lydia that they’re going to be backdooring Russell.Which means the guy who flipped last week is explaining how important it is to keep their word when it comes to the vote.Ah, irony.Next, he explains his plan to Laura.Dear Ronnie:
“Backdoor” sounds bad enough, but when you talk about how you’re going to “backdoor Russell’s ass”, you’re making it too easy.
Sincerely,
America
Of course, Ronnie has to do all of this in the most dickish way possible, telling Laura that they won’t tell her how they’re going to vote, but she has to promise not to nominate him.Super Mario assures us that he has no intention of keeping this promise, since Ronnie’s lied all along anyway.No, wait that was Laura again.Man, this is getting embarrassing.
Naturally, Ronnie has to stupid it all up by telling Chima and Natalie about the backdoor plan.In fact, he thinks it’s a good idea to tell Jessie about it.Yeah, Russell’s alliance will probably just let it sit there, right?Jessie says it’s a mistake, and he explains why Laura should go.Now Ronnie says he can’t decide to do.That’s right, Mr. All-State in Persuasive Speaking has just been schooled by freaking Jessie!
Time for the Veto Ceremony!Do you think Jeff will take himself off the block?Can you stand the suspense?(And I just now remembered that there is precedent for somebody keeping themselves on the block.Ah, Marcellas.How I miss you.)They don’t even go through the stupid formality of Laura making her case.Nope, Jeff vetoes himself right away.(Does CBS require that every Veto Ceremony involve the phrase “That being said…”?)
And because Ronnie is one of the worst strategists in Big Brother history, he steps up there and boldly nominates… Jordan?What the hell?Yeah, why bother taking out a member of the biggest clique, and instead nominate somebody who seems to be universally liked?Guess who’s got it in for Ronnie now?Everybody, that’s who.Everybody’s sitting there just astounded, because they can’t believe somebody can be this stupid and still dress themselves.
Join us for the elimination Thursday – I think it’s going to be Laura getting evicted, but this is already a weird season.And hey, remember how we were kind of excited about Ronnie because he seemed pleasantly geeky?We were very wrong.
