Dancing With The Stars

Dancing with the Stars: The Finale (Nov 26)

Tom kicks it to commercial, and tells us we’ve got a performance from Miley Cyrus coming up. Miley waves backstage, and she has something crazy on her hand. It’s like her four fingers are all wearing knit caps, or something. It makes it look like she’s got a scary witch hand, or like when Tracy Jordan was trying to be a white woman.

Now it’s time for a look back at the season. Or, more likely, the first of many looks back at the season. They show some funny bits that I had forgotten, and some I just can’t forget. Jeffrey Ross’ one and only performance and his three 4’s. Maurice Greene doing the worm. Bruno demanding Susan Lucci be a slut. Carrie Ann complains about lifts. And some darn good dancing. Man, a lot of stuff happened this season.

And this leads into the dances from the eliminated stars. Jeffrey certainly can’t say that his eye injury was what caused him to dance so poorly, because he’s all over the place here. Good to see Edyta again, though. Next, Ted McGinley and Inna. I liked Ted, really. He’s doing a surprisingly decent job here, too. I think he could have been a strong mid-level contestant if the Dancing with the Stars viewership matched up with the Married with Children fanbase a little more. Weirdly, I don’t remember Inna at all. Like, I know she was on the show, because Ted danced with somebody, but even looking right at her, there’s a blank spot in my brain. Finally, Kim Kardashian and Mark dance. Wow, I had forgotten she was on this season at all, even though I was irritated when she was announced as a contestant. It’s a weird mix of sloppy footwork, ruffles, and inadequate wardrobe support.

After the commercial, we take another look back at weeks three and four, including the first ten of the season, Corky nailing Carrie Ann with Cloris’ wig, which I’m pretty sure we didn’t actually see before, and Misty May’s tendon injury. Lance’s horrifying eyeliner makes a return appearance. Cheryl and Maurice in ‘fro wigs. Rocco making an absolute mess of things. Wow, I’d forgotten him, too. Am I old, or did they just have a lot of contestants this year?

Back in the present, Tom and Samantha are waiting with Misty May and Maks. Misty tells us she got cleared to walk on Wednesday. Holy crap. This was not a small thing. Remember when she was talking about dancing in the finale? Yeah, not going to happen. She’s been legally allowed to walk for less than a week now. She says she wants to get back to the dance floor, and she says that she’s voting for everybody. Hey, just like I did in the Presidential Election. Maks won’t tell us who he’s rooting for, either. Though his endorsement of Lance is limited to “he’s coming on tour with us”. Way to gush, bro! Misty and Maks both pinch Tom’s butt at once, which elicits a pretty hilarious reaction. Awww, Tom misses Mel B.

More loser dancers! This time, it’s Rocco and Karina since they’re the only ones eliminated in that two week period. At least, the only ones physically capable of dancing. And in Rocco’s case, I mean that in a purely theoretical sense. He’s free of ruffles this time. However, he seems to be trying the Crane Kick from The Karate Kid. I’m not sure what his arms are doing, but let’s hope that Karina’s not Cobra Kai.

Tom kicks it to another Cloris Clip. It’s presented as a movie trailer, and we get her showing Len her cleavage, calling Samantha ‘stupid’, and doing a wheelbarrow across the stage. They call it Dirty Dancing: The Senior Years, and they really could have done better than that. Still, isn’t it hard to believe the goofy stuff we saw this season? It’s been a weird year.

We’re back, this time looking at weeks five and six. Lance falls, Susan Lucci’s tiny size gets more disturbing than ever, and there’s the hip-hop group dance. Hey, remember when Michael Flatley sat in for Len and he loved everything and everybody? One of the camera guys tripped over a power cord and got a 10. Julianne announced she was leaving for surgery, which was basically only a minor inconvenience for her.

Our hosts greet Toni Braxton and Alec – it doesn’t look like they’re dancing either. What’s up with that? Is she trying to be more like Misty May? They say she just had some minor surgery, which is frustratingly vague. She will, however, be on the tour, and she will be singing. Samantha asks what she’s going to sing, and everybody gives her this “Duh” look. You think it might be “Unbreak My Heart”? Oh, I think there’s a chance. Hey, tickets are on sale now! Anybody want to go with me? If you sit up front, you get your own “10” paddles and everything!

So now it’s time for Cloris and Corky to get their last dance, since they were evicted in week six. They actually do a straightforward tango, which is really cool of them. Well, there’s the bit when Corky grabs her ass, but other than that, they play it straight. I was not expecting that. They get a standing ovation because really, she may have overstayed her welcome, but she made this season a lot more fun. Samantha runs through a list of the awards she’s won and asks “How did this experience compare?” and Cloris responds “To pregnancy?”, which made me laugh out loud. Tom asks about Cloris’ upcoming Broadway run, but she says 75% of Broadway is shutting down because of the economy. I’m thinking Cloris didn’t show up for runthrough, or they might have tossed that question.

Weirdly, we don’t get a clip package for weeks 7 and 8. Are they running long already? Are they trying to make sure I can recap at least one finale dance before handing the baton to Myndi? If so, that’s very considerate of them.

Anyway, it’s time for Susan Lucci and Tony, and Susan seems to have aged significantly since she was on the show. I think she blew off hair and makeup, but that’s just a guess. I can see Susan’s skeleton and Tony’s nipples, so I’m a little off my game at this point. They dance a paso that was perfectly respectable but not at all exciting, sort of like her whole tenure on the show.

Next, it’s Maurice and Cheryl. Hey, Maurice is on the tour, too! They’re fun to watch as ever. Cheryl’s got this intensity even when it no longer matters, so it seems like a dance they would have done back when they were rehearsing every day. Heck, maybe they have been rehearsing every day. Cheryl’s not going to look like some kind of dope on the dance floor!

Oh, now we’re getting the flashbacks after the couples danced. Way to switch horses in mid-stream! Len berates Lance for going barefoot. Cody dances with Edyta. Susan announces that she’s “doing good”, even though it should be “doing well”, and in her case probably should have been “doing acceptably”. There are the team dances, one of which was fantastic.

And now, in lieu of actual scored dancing, it’s time for Jeffrey Ross to roast the finalists. I’m perversely excited about this. He has a podium and everything! He leads off by pointing out that he was the first person in DWTS history to come in 13th, and “I got injured before it was cool”. He compares Cloris’ dancing to “Weekend at Bernie’s: The Musical”. Hee. Then he credits Brooke with “perfect scores”, Lance with “perfect hair”, and Warren with “perfect boobs”. And then Warren makes them dance. I did not make that up.

Jeffrey pulls out the first gay reference of the season (that I can recall), claiming Brooke just gave birth to her 15th child, and Lance is the father. “The baby will come out of the womb and the closet on the same day”. That was kind of a reach, but, you know. That’s how roasting goes. He redeems himself with “What can you say about Lance Bass that hasn’t already been said about Clay Aiken?” Even better, he asks how Warren can spend so much time dancing and stay so out of shape. Kym really laughed hard at that.

Weird how his only joke about Burke was about her having lots of kids, wasn’t it? Man, do pretty girls get a free pass at roasts, too? Also, I can’t believe I just recapped stand-up comedy. That’s something people should not do. (“EJ then suggested that deaf people are at risk of being hit by dump trucks.”)

All right, that’s the one hour mark – I’m handing this recap over to Myndi, who is going to get everything that’s actually important to the outcome. Glad I could cut through the filler for you, though.

Hey kids!  Myndi here to take you to the finish line.  Tom and Samantha are back and Samantha’s dress still looks like a golden condom.

We are now reliving the semi-finals, including Brooke’s horrible jive, Lance’s best night ever and Cody and Julianne getting eliminated.  The dance their I Love Lucy inspired jitterbug.  They are pretty cute and I like Julianne’s lift where she basically does a handstand and pulls herself up on Cody.  I can only imagine how strong her abs are.  Vanessa Hudgens is there to cheer Cody on.  I wonder if Zac Efron minds?  Cody gushes about watching all the freestyles three or four times and how much he loves the show now.  Tom jokingly tells him to cheer up.

Now, let’s discuss the finalists again, some more.  Lance is unpredictable and most improved.  Bruno thinks he might steal the trophy.  Len is amazed that a “300 pound giant” could have such “lightness of foot”.  Carrie Ann talks about his sex appeal.  Brooke is called a “hot mama”.  She has great technique and is versatile.  The judges explain that the upcoming encore dances are crucial…I’m predicting that they all get 30s, unless someone falls down.

Superman music greets us as we return from commercial.  Each couple is revealed to be on a riser as a curtain drops from around each duo.   Tom introduces all of them again in his outdoor voice.  The crowd goes wild.

Warren is up first, and he and Kym are doing the Hustle.  We get yet another retrospective of Warren’s journey on the show.  We see their mutual admiration society, and they’re awfully sweet.  He tells her he loves her.  Cute!

Their Hustle is as fun as the first time, and the lifts are the big highlight, along with Warren’s moonwalk.  Len and his pinstriped tux tells Warren he’s the people’s champion.  Bruno calls Warren crafty, and mimes whipping, which is disturbing to me.  Carrie Ann thinks Warren has inspired men of all sizes to dance.

Backstage, Warren plugs “Inside the NFL” and Kym calls Warren “twinkle toes teddy bear”.  They get straight 9s’ for a 27.  They have a total of 80 out of 90.  And I’m proven wrong about the 30s right out of the gate!

Lance and Lacey are up and we get to see her squeal over meeting Lance.  If you’ll recall, they were edgy and had ups and downs.  Lance loves Lacey like a sister.  Lacey thinks Lance is like a butterfly.  She’s crying as she says she doesn’t want it to end.

Here comes their jitterbug.  It’s cute and all, but I liked Cody and Julianne’s a little better.  Lacey jumps into Lance’s arms and spins her around at the end.  Bruno says he’s a great showman.  Carrie Ann says she saw them struggle with some lifts, but that they deserve to be here for never taking the safe route.  Len compliments Lance’s growth in the competition as well.  Samantha and her scary, scary arms interview Lance and Lacey.  She points out that this is Lacey’s first season and that Cheryl and Julianne both won their first seasons.  Lacey’s all, “thanks for that!”  Carrie Ann and Len go with 9s while Bruno lifts a triumphant 10 paddle for a 28, and 81 overall.

Brooke says Derek had been her favorite pro before she was on the show.  We reflect on how their demeanor went from light and fun, to tense and stressful, to their current “groove”.  Brooke says this is the hardest thing she’s done and Derek compliments her natural dance ability once more.

They’re doing their Viennese Waltz to “Daughters”, which choked me up the first time around.  Her arm and leg extensions are amazing as usual, and she kisses her two little girls at the end.    Carrie Ann is crying as she gushes with praise.  What me?  Oh, no, that’s just allergies!  Len restates his opinion that this was the dance of the season.  Bruno calls her a crown jewel, and even Brooke’s husband (or fiance), David Charvet, is sobbing.  No surprise here, as they clear a perfect score of 30, and 88 out of 90.

Soon to be former reigning champion Kristi Yamaguchi is applauded in the front row, and now we get to find out who’s third.  It’s Lance and Lacey, which isn’t a big surprise to me.  They’re both very gracious in defeat.

Miley Cyrus is here to sing “Fly on he Wall”, a song I’ve heard more times than I care to think about.  Radio Disney is like that.  For some reason, there’s a checkered flag motif going on.  There’s a dance routine, and Miley even makes her way to the judges table for a bit.  Oh good, her creepy 20 year old boyfriend is there!  As they say on The Soup, “It’s still a felony!”

One last backstage interview with Sam…Brooke compliments both Warren and Kym.  Kym calls Brooke amazing fourteen different ways, and Warren says this was the best experience of his life.

Tom’s out front to ask the eliminated couples who will win, but says he knows they’ll ignore and plug their projects.  Ted says performing tonight was fun.  Kim does plug her stupid show, which I’ll be avoiding come March.  Rocco jokes that he thought he won and says it’s tough to decide between best dancing and best charisma, which it really shouldn’t be.  Tom skips over to Susan, who he says looked relaxed in her spotlight dance.  Cloris apparently told her to sizzle.  Tom asks Maurice for his shirt.   The final two are slap happy backstage.  I’m guessing they just can’t wait to get to the afterparty already.

And now, we’re finally all gathered round the shiny mirrorball at centerstage.  Sam offers good luck, which is irrelevant at this point,isn’t it?  Brooke and Derek take it, which is as it should be.  They go a little nuts.  Tom acknowledges that “how’s it feel?” is a dumb question, but asks it anyway.  They are both genuinely thrilled.  Warren gives a shout-out to his NFL peeps.  Derek and Brooke raise the trophy, and Mark and Julianne raise up Derek and Brooke.  Oh wait–Corky has Brooke on his shoulders.  Confetti flies and another season comes to a close.  Thanks so much for reading.  We’ll see you next year!

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