Big Brother

Big Brother Update, Housemates Cast Eviction

Previously on Big Brother: Otev the Broadway Clam! In a sign of the Apocalypse, Enzo won the Veto and took himself off the block. After campaigning from all sides, Lane nominated Hayden in his stead. Feathers were ruffled. And seriously, Otev the Broadway Clam. If he and ZingBot 3000 don’t team up for the finale, I will be one sad panda.
Apparently we’re going to see the Jury House this week. We really haven’t seen them yet, have we? Probably because nobody really wants to watch the people who are in there.
Julie Chen has lipstick and tousled hair this week. She’s actually looking kind of hot, which is weird and confusing. She kicks it to footage from the Veto Ceremony. Hayden isn’t happy that he’s been nominated, and again, really not a big deal with the way the votes are shaking out. Lane wants Britney for the Final Two, so hopefully he gets smart and has Britney vote to evict Hayden so he can break the tie. Enzo’s going to be a non-factor in any challenge, and I think both Ragan and Britney think they can beat Lane at the Final Two.
Hayden and Enzo talk about how Britney would definitely win in the Final Two, and it’s clear that they’re just trying to, you know, talk about things and if Lane maybe hears then and realizes the wisdom of their plan. They are subtle, I have to give them that.

Ragan pulls Britney aside to talk about the vote, and it turns out he has exactly the same thoughts that I do – he’s trying to convince Britney that she’d beat him at Final Two, but not any of the Brigadiers. Britney basically agrees, but says it all comes down to Lane. So, it’s off to talk to Lane.
Ragan uses a line on Lane that nobody has ever attempted with him before: “I’m going to ask you a philosophical question…” No one has ever gone to Lane wondering what happens when a tree falls in the forest or why evil exists. The question is “Are you here to give away a half million dollars or to win a half million dollars?” Ragan says straight out that he knows Lane is in an alliance, but that he can’t beat either of “those boys” at the Final Two. You really can’t tell when an argument is convincing Lane – he remains blank either way. In the Diary Room, he assures us that Ragan has some good points. You know, this season really hasn’t been one where somebody is swayed by a good argument and then makes a bold move. It’s mostly been people doing the exact things that they said they were going to do, or else coming up with a stupid plan that ends up not working.
Julie Chen takes it live again to chat with the Houseguests. They look at clips of the forced dancing, and they agree that Hayden that was the worst dancer. Ragan loved both the dancing and the sock puppets. The sock puppets were pretty hilarious. Enzo says that they’ll probably have nicknames for him back in Jersey after he wore the penguin suit. They can’t be worse than the nicknames he already had, right? Seriously, if you call yourself “The Meow Meow”, there’s a… direction that can go in. Britney complains about how filthy the guys are. That is not surprising.
Oh joy, we get to see the Jury House. It will not surprise you that Rachel is exactly as annoying as she was last time we say her. Maybe more so, because her absence weakened my immunity. She assumes Matt will be the next to arrive, but it’s Kathy. Rachel is completely confused, so Kathy explains things. The next week as they’re waiting, Rachel calls Ragan “a queen”. You remember how she yelled out that she loves gay people? Yeah, she’s made way too many slurs like that for her story to hold water. Freaking Rachel. I’m sorry that I was ever drawn in by her chest size, you guys.
Oh man, she talks about Brendon being “her man” again. She uses that phrase more than an entire season of Maury. Matt arrives, and they talk about how he got there. But, you know, we saw it happen for ourselves. Then they put in the DVD, and we’re seriously watching people watch Big Brother, and we’re through the rabbit hole. Awesomely, while watching Brendon get his head shaved, Matt says that he “looks like a penis”. Rachel tells us that she’s “so over Britney”, as if anybody cares. Then Brendon pops up, and Matt deliberately didn’t tell the others it was a double elimination, so they’re extra surprised.
Brendon and Rachel reunite, and it makes all of America feel pukey inside. Much, much later, Matt decides to come clean. He tells them that his wife doesn’t have a horrible bone disease. People are pissed. And, you know, it was gross on his part and it made me not like him, but it didn’t get him further in the game. They didn’t lose because Matt lied about his wife. Basically, you can think he’s awful, but don’t go thinking that his lie put you in the Jury House. You are in the Jury House either because you’re bad at everything (Kathy), or everybody hates you (everybody else). The whole Jury shuns Matt, and unlike Enzo yesterday, I am using that word correctly.
Back in the HoH Room, Julie Chen and Lane have their chat. He explains why he didn’t nominate Britney, and she asks how difficult it’s going to be to choose between Britney and the Brigade. She does not ask who he will choose, because that might actually be interesting. She also asks if it’s strategy to appear less intelligent than he actually is. He claims he’s playing a part, but he does not say it in a way that’s convincing. Interestingly, he says he’d take Hayden to Final Two over Enzo. Huh.
And with that, it’s time for the Nominees to say their piece. Ragan dedicates the season to his late father, which is sweet but kind of odd. Hayden talks about how much people like him and announces a snowboard trip. Stirring rhetoric, to be sure. And with that, it’s time to vote. Enzo votes to evict Ragan. Britney votes to evict… Ragan. So again, not the season of bold moves. The only thing I can see is that Britney didn’t want to put Lane in the position of being the tiebreaker. Still, that seems like a bad vote.
Ragan gets the news, and he treats it as a sad inevitability. He’s excited about getting to meet Julie Chen, though. In his Chenterview, Ragan says he didn’t anticipate those four being as tight-knit as they were. He thinks they made a big mistake, and Julie asks why they couldn’t see that. Oh, who knows why those people do things. It’s like asking why deer jump out in front of cars. Julie Chen asked why he didn’t act on his suspicions of the Guy Alliance, and really, it’s not like he could have. He told people he suspected it, explained why, and then everybody ignored him. Not really Ragan who dropped the ball on this one. Ragan gets to see his farewell videos. Enzo’s kind of a d-bag, and Britney is sorry that he has to go live with Rachel now. Hayden calls him “an awesome representative of the gay community”, which is nice but dim. Are we still at a point when gay people have to rally around every gay person on TV? That’s a lot of pressure, you know? But it’s Hayden – it’s not like he’s putting any kind of sociological perspective into what he has to say.
Hey, in the commercials, CBS is trying to get me to care about $#*! My Dad Says, which is not going to happen. If there’s going to be a sitcom based on a Twitter feed, it should at least be @HoboDarkseid.
Well, we’ve got ten minutes to go. Are you going to give me a satisfying and complete HoH Big Brother, or are you going to hit me with an endurance challenge again. What do you say we find out? It’s all decked out for Christmas in the backyard. Each of the Housemates has to reach through a chicken wire fence for ornaments, which they will move across the fence to get to the outline of a tree, where they will “hang” the ornaments. Once they’ve placed them all, they’ll move a star to the top of the tree. It’s basically about moving objects with only the tips of your fingers, and it looks to be slow-paced. What are you, kidding me? Britney is surprisingly bad at this, dropping ornament after ornament, and then Julie Chen cuts away to tell us there’s a snowstorm coming.
Since we’re not getting closure tonight, Julie spells out the schedule for us. The next eviction will be on Wednesday, while the battle for the final HoH will “continue” on Thursday. Sounds exciting, right?
As we cut away, Hayden is in the lead and I’m just mad that we’re ending another episode on an unresolved HoH. At least Myndi of the future will have results and nominations on Sunday.
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